Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 December 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 03 December 2022 |
Teachers On Patrol
Teacher: I hope I didn't just see you looking at Harry's paper, Raymond!
Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!
Assignment Difficulty
An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night's homework assignment:
How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands.
She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?
Serving Two Masters
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy."Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters." Work or play...
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
The guy says, before we go any...
The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.
The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.
He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
Carrot, Tomato, and ...
There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten." The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".
Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".
Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss
Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. Chuck Norris invented the Caes...
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. Playing the Game
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
The godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.
Some say I eat so mu...
“Some say I eat so much fruit that I must be going bananas, while others think I'm already plum crazy. I respond to those people by giving them the raspberry.”
MEN vs WOMEN on ATM
MAN:1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark Attacks
There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!