Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 December 2022

Invisible Family

The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married.
But their kids aren’t anything to look at.

The hearing aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Don't mess with a fat ba

Don't mess with a fat baby. Better instead to give him or her a wide birth.

Train Test

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

A Different Nighttime Prayer

We’ve been letting our six-year-old go to sleep listening to the radio, and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a good idea. Last night he said his prayers and wound up with: “And God bless Mommy and Daddy and Sister. Amen—and FM!”

There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

Mike Birbiglia: Fear the Most

I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear youll meet someone else, and youll leave me, and Ill be all alone. And she was like, What do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears.

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

In The Hotel Lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"

Drunk in court

A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

At the doctor's office...

At the doctor's office.
- What bothers you?
- I have a bad memory.
- Ok. What else?
- I have a very bad memory.
- What else?!
- And... I have a really bad memory.
- Yes, I understand that you have a bad memory! What else??
- And I have hearing problems.
- What else?
- What did you say?
- What else?!
- Say it again?
- What else?!
- Ah-ah! And I have a bad memory.

Better

It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

A woman was out golfing one da...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warrned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Bad Pop Rocks

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before.

Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."