Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 21 December 2022

When is a knot not a knot? A:

When is a knot not a knot? A: When it’s not.

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Late Again

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"
Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"
Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

Signs of the times

In the front yard of a funeral home, 'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck, 'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop, 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

On a maternity room door, 'Push, Push, Push.'

On a taxidermist's window, 'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window, 'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence, 'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

On a muffler shop, 'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium, 'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room, 'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room, 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop, 'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window, 'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

In a cafeteria, 'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Do you know why Baskin Robbins...

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Kissing the secretary

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

A lady goes to her priest one

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Blind date

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

What do rabbits say before fea...

What do rabbits say before feasting on your garden?
“Lettuce prey.”

That's Not Fare

Taxi driver: "That will be $3.50, please."
Passenger: "Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm a little short. Could you back up a little bit and make it $2.50, please?"

Body building Program

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Also Found on http://www.moc-pages.com 'Jokes and Puns #3' Conversation of i Brick group, posted by King Jaspin on September 26, 2015

An inebriated man and his drun...

An inebriated man and his drunken friend were sitting at a bar.
"Do you know what time it is?" asked the drunk.
"Sure" said the man.
"Thanks" said the drunk.

A man can sleep around

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers (1933-2014)

Picture: REX FEATURES