Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 December 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 December 2022 |
Filling sausages for a living?
Filling sausages for a living? That's a wurst-case scenario.First Time at a Unitarian Service
A man goes to a Unitarian Universalist service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs." Three Kinds Of Men
There are three kinds of men in this world...
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened???
The engineer and the manager...
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Three convicts were on the way...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. Robert Schmidt 13
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Would you like me to be your friend?
Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme...
A few more related pun's:
To be pharaoh, it worked.(isolophobichermit of reddit user)
Pharoah 'nough.(kishenoy reddit user)
Joke found on kneeslappingjokes.blogspot.com , Submitted September 20, 2018 by TacoNumeroJuan
Photo: Bild von Tammy Cuff auf Pixabay
Free heaven
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'
St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.
'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'
Skydiving for the first time
A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
A woman was having a daytime a...
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway."Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.
Kevin Hart: Cancer Did It
My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'Cancer did it. It was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.' What's your job?
Me: What's your job? Him: I'm an assassin.
Me: Good pay?
Him: I make a killing!