Jokes of the day for Sunday, 26 February 2023
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 26 February 2023 |
Do mathematicians like dessert
Do mathematicians like dessert?Little Johnny's Confession
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”Soap and water...
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Copies of Copies
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to helpthe other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed,
however, that they were copying copies, not the original
books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about
this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first
copy, that error would be continued in all of the other
copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head
monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went
downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over
one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk.
A traveling salesman was held ...
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately."
A few minutes before the churc...
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Catholic Definitions
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A woman places an ad in the lo...
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?” 
Who is the Boss?
A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately.
A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.
The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before.'
The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”
New secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."
Biggest j*rks
Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest j*rks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"
Smart Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"