Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 30 May 2023

Wearing

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

Retaking exam

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

The Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?"
Native: "Nope, we just let them go barefoot."

Eve's Steep Price

What day is it?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Chuck Norris feels that brass ...

Oh to be in the 5th grade again

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson 'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore.'

my dad

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

Church Every Sunday?

Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."

Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day

Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes

They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.

I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.

I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me

A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.

Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?

A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."

Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.

Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass

"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin

PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.

Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.

I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.

I want to open a pho...

“I want to open a photo processing store in a developing country.”

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

6 Funny Christmas Jokes

"What do you call Santa’s most impolite reindeer?"
"Rude-olph."

"What street in France do reindeer live on?"
"Rue Dolph."

"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?"
"Nothing, it’s on the house!"

"What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?"
"Looks like rein, deer!"

"Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee?"
"He’s on a non-deery diet."

"What kind of money do reindeer use?"
"Bucks!"