Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 14 June 2023

If Sherlock Holmes was feature

If Sherlock Holmes was featured in a kids' book would it have been ‘The Man in the Hat' by Dr. Sleuth?

Blood-related jokes, donate blood with a smile

14 June is World Blood Donor Day. Donate blood! Raise awareness using blood-related jokes.

Why don't vampires ever get sick?
Because they always keep their blood type B-positive!

What did the hematologist do to break the ice at the party?
She started a "type O" personality conversation!

Why did the red blood cell break up with the white blood cell?
Because she found out he was too infectious!

Why do vampires believe in life after death?
Because they know it's all in vein!

Why did the vampire go to art school?
Because he wanted to draw blood!

What’s a blood cell’s favorite kind of music?
Anything but heavy metal… it’s too much iron!

Why did the blood cell get a ticket?
It didn’t stop at the red light!

What's a vampire's least favorite city?
Venice... too much garlic and holy water!

How do you know if a vampire has a cold?
He starts coffin!

Why did the white blood cell go to the party?
Because it was immune to peer pressure!

14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day

Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!

Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!

My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.

I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house
Don't forget your husbands

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm

Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church
Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social
All ladies giving milk will please come early

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him

After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

How Do You Like Your Steak

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.

Things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, 'Group Hug!' and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 'Your one of THEM!' and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'I have new underware on'.

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, 'This is MY personal space!'

Saddam Hussein was not found h...

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle

Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual.

No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Howard is 95 and lives in a se...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

The Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

A guy walking down a street on...

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

One day the first grade teache...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.