Fred called his friend in tear...Fred called his friend in tears.
"I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."
"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."
"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"
On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
First-year students at ...
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Why did the whale cross the oc...Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other side!
Business One-liners 83
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
The Pirate and the sA pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"
And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"
Calculate the number 1937
An Old FartOne evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."