Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 September 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 27 September 2008
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (125)

The Million Dollar Question for God


A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

A guy is sitting at a bar, thr...

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch.

The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

"No, I'm not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?"

"Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore."

"Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

"BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Shingles...

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

A Parrots Tale...

<...

A Parrots Tale...

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"S**t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this...How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is; nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nightie and began to kiss her all over....."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Who knows. I fell off my perch."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

How do men sort their laundry?...

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Scary Collection 41


A ghost joke

Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?

Because you can see right through them!


A vampire joke

What does a vampire bath in?

A bat tub!


A werewolf joke

Why did the boy take a pain killer after hearing a werewolf howl?

Because it gave him eerie ache!


A vampire joke

What does Dracula say when you tell him something interesting?

Well fangcy that!


A werewolf joke

What do you call a hairy beast that is lost?

A where-wolf!


A vampire joke

What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite?

Veinilla!


A werewolf joke

What do you call a hairy beast in a river?

A weir-wolf!





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Calculate the number 1757

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1757 using numbers [2, 1, 7, 7, 33, 756] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

AOL Support Call

AOL: America Online, this is Sue speaking.

Caller: Hi, I have some questions about American Online

before I join.

AOL: Okay, ma'am, what's your question?

Caller: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get

something called "cybersex". Does this cost extra?

AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well ma'am... I

don't know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of

America Online.

Caller: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.

AOL: Well it's something members typically do when they go

to a chat room.

Caller: Hmmmm . . . I don't understand, what is cybersex??

AOL: I'm sorry, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller: Hmmm . . . well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOL: Ma'am, I don't think that's an appropriate question to

be asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller: Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOL: That's okay ma'am, anything else?

Caller: Yes, I have one more question.

AOL: Go ahead . . .

Caller: What are you wearing?

AOL:

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Widow For One Year

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

How do you make a bandstand? How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (7)

q: What do you get when you c...

q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?

A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 3.96/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (53)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (26)

...

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 July 2008
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (40)

Jokes Archive

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