A guy goes to the supermarket ...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,' My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's class teacher."
Walking up to the bar and orde...Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."
"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
Two men got out of their cars ...Two men got out of their cars after they crashed at a junction.
"Thanks," he said, and took a long slug. "Here, you have one, too."
"I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
Corny Pick-up Lines...
Corny Pick-up Lines
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long.
Can I borrow 50 cents? I want to call my mum and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man answers, "Yes, do you have the energy?"
Can I have directions to your heart?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Do you want to see something really swell?
Your hair is perfectly pH balanced.
Do you have 50 cents? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
At the office copy machine "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
Ask: "Do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger?" (No?) Wink.
If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Here's fifty cents .... call your housemate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them.
You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the bomb.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What lies at the bottom of the...What lies at the bottom of the ocean and fidgets? A nervous wreck.
What a winning combination?
A Great Fruit Cake Recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
Stand upThe minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
He was amazed that most of the members of the congregation stood up, and then it dawned on him..
The minister turned to the organist, "I didn't tell you to play the Star-Spangled Banner!"
A manager brings a dog ...A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.Â He plays all the
standards.Â He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.Â The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”
The manager says,
“That's his mother.Â She wants him to be a doctor.”
Dog w/o WheelsWhere do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.