Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 June 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 27 June 2009
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (71)

What do you call an Australian...

What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (5)

Q: Why did th...

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?



A: Because it was the chickens day off.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy.com - The World Famous Comedy.com Daily Joke!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Grandfathers/Grandmothers

A friend who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. . .just he and his granddaughter.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Praying for Peas

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, “Hey! My peas are still here!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

A young American tourist goes ...

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE

I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN

I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY

Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER

Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Find a famous person

Find the first and the last name of a famous person. Text may go in all 8 directions. Length of words in solution: 6,6.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A new girl called Carly came t...

A new girl called Carly came to Jimmy's school.
Jimmy really fancied her, but was already going out with Lorraine.
Some time later he heard that Lorraine's family were emigrating.
On her leaving day he went to see her off.
On his way home, he was singing to himself: "I can see Carly, now Lorraine has gone.''
#joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Knock Knock Collection 055


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dwight!
Dwight who?
Dwight way and the wrong way!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Earl!
Earl who?
Earl be glad to tell you when you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ears!
Ears who?
Ears looking at you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
E.C.!
E.C. who?
E.C. Street!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eddie!
Eddie who?
Eddie body home!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

My kids love going to the Web,...

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (12)

It seems that despite the adve...

It seems that despite the advertisements in the paper, stores don't want you to do our Christmas shopping too early.

A local store just arrested a fellow for shopping about two hours before the store opened.

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 January 2009
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (11)

A Midget Fortune Teller


Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

a tip for the ladies in ...

a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

Even More Top 10 Signs You Hav...

Even More Top 10 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

10 - Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.

9 - No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

8 - If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

7 - Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

6 - That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

5 - You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.

4 - Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

3 - Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

2 - Your name is Ted Kennedy.

1 - The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Assorted 1

What's the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?

You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?

Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?

Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?

Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?

Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?

He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?

He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?

The handsome,

the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?

A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?

You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?

Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

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