What do you call an Australian...What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Q: Why did th...Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Because it was the chickens day off.
Grandfathers/GrandmothersA friend who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. . .just he and his granddaughter.
Praying for Peas
Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.
Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, â€œHey! My peas are still here!â€
A young American tourist goes ...A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
Why did the chicken cross the road?(FORMER) VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
To die. In the rain.
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?
I missed one?
Which is a winning combination of digits?
A new girl called Carly came t...A new girl called Carly came to Jimmy's school.
Some time later he heard that Lorraine's family were emigrating.
On her leaving day he went to see her off.
On his way home, he was singing to himself: "I can see Carly, now Lorraine has gone.''
Knock Knock Collection 055
Dwight way and the wrong way!
Earl be glad to tell you when you open this door!
Ears looking at you!
Eddie body home!
Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
My kids love going to the Web,...My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
A Midget Fortune Teller
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
a tip for the ladies in ...a tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind believes its going to be.
Assorted 1What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.
Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.
What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?
He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.
Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they always dribble before they shoot.
Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?
He was destined to a life of DIY.
What are the three types of men?
the caring and the majority.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.
What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?
Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.
What do you call a Spanish streaker?
After a series of tests, the 3...After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."
The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.
The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"