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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Monday, Jul the 13th 2009
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Tips for Travelling in the South |
--If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth eating.
-- If you run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
-- Dont be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
-- Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.
-- Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.
-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of ones trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Fathers day |
| What is the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers day.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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You Might Be A Redneck If 18 |
You might be a redneck if...
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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| I went to the shop to look for some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Skydiving for the first time |
A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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| There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it. The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice." Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice." Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!" |
Permalink | Source : Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Shark!
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There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
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Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 5.4/10 (22 votes cast) |
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Four Horse |
| A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. |
Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my p*nis stuck in the neck of the bottle |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 5.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
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Permalink | Source : Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
Rating: 6.6/10 (5 votes cast) |
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