JOKES OF THE DAY

Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40

pounds.

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee

had a baby!

I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby

forever!

Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super

Bowl.

Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise

visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,

that's gotta hurt.

Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to

Willard Scott!

I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of

childbirth?

Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

Get your *own* ice cream.

Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

Got milk?

Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of

Madagascar!

Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!

You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.

"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.

The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The mayor of a Jewish village decided to create an additional room in their home.

His wife spoke to the general contractor for some time. They laughed and enjoyed what seemed like a long conversation. Her husband asked what they were talking about. The woman introduced the two men and the general contractor returned to his work.

The husband asked, "Did you know each other?"

The wife replied, "Yes, actually. We were engaged to be married when I was very young."

Her husband smiled and said. "Wow, I guess you should be happy you married me. I'm the mayor. If you had married him, you would have been married to a general contractor."

"No" she replied. "He would have been the mayor."


- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Bubbleup