Jokes of the day for Friday, 31 July 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 31 July 2009
  • Currently 9.57/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (107)

Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
How about $50?
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
Youre finished already? he asked.
Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
And by the way, the blonde added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past...

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Kiwi box - today's pick Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (2)

A blonde, brunette and redhead...

A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."
The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."
Then the blonde says I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Never Trust a Street Gang in Heaven

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they’re gone! They’re gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Misc Women's Rules for Me...

Misc Women's Rules for Men

* Our cooking and menus are excellent - That isn't, however, an excuse for you to avoid cooking
* Buying us something does not constitute foreplay
* Answering "Who was that?" with "Nobody" doesn't end the conversation - Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
* Believe it or not, you're not more sexy when you're all sweaty
* Silence can mean anything and it could change without notice

Other tidbits

* Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
* Men are great! Every woman should own one!!!
* Men are just like computers, and a smart woman keeps a backup.
* Men are only good for one thing... two, if they're good at it.
* Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
* Men read Playboy for the articles like women go to malls for the music.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (11)

Two girls....

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Find number abc

If c9a4a + 22c5c = 4cb9b find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Nebraska Crazy Law


  • It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
  • It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
  • It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
  • If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

    Lehigh


  • Doughnut holes may not be sold

    Omaha


  • A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
  • Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.

    Waterloo


  • Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

    #joke #beer
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 3.00/10

    Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

    Flying pill

    A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

    As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

    The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 5.33/10

    Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

    What happened to the man who p...

    What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
    He ate himself.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
    • Currently 4.13/10

    Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

    Law of Advertising

    T...

    Law of Advertising

    Truth won't stick to glossy paper.

    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 May 2009
    • Currently 6.00/10

    Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

    Ten reas...

    Ten reasons why alcohol should be served at work:

    1 It's an incentive to show up.

    2 It encourages car sharing.

    3 Increases job satisfaction because you don't care.

    4 It makes fellow employees look better.

    5 It makes the canteen food taste a lot better.

    6 It reduces stress.

    7 Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    8 You tell management what you think, not what they want to hear.

    9 Burping during meetings isn't so embarrassing.

    10 Bosses are more likely to hand out raises.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 July 2008
    • Currently 5.75/10

    Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

    An Ideal Marriage


    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 July 2008
    • Currently 6.18/10

    Rating: 6.2/10 (11)

    Senate Slander

    A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

    After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 July 2008
    • Currently 5.88/10

    Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

    Jonny Is Off

    One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

    Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.

    The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

    Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

    The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

    #joke #christmas
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 July 2008
    • Currently 5.88/10

    Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

    New York Crazy Law


  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

  • Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.


  • A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

  • A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

  • While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

  • A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

  • It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

    Carmel


  • A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

    Greene


  • During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

    New York


  • You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

  • Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

  • Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

  • It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."

    Ocean City


  • It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

  • It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.

    Staten Island


  • It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."

  • You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.





    #joke
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 July 2008
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

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