Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 30 December 2009
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Rating: 9.6/10 (123)

E-mail Me a Prayer

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-email. Amen.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (15)

Wacky Quacky Solution

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Funny video of the day Wednesday, 30 December 2009 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 4.3/10 (25)

A man came home drunk at four ...

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Rednecks Flying Home #joke

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
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Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Toll Booth Transgressions

Toll Booth Transgressions | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
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Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
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Rating: 4.9/10 (53)

Wigmakers are always p...

Wigmakers are always putting on hairs.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...


A policeman spots this Bl...


A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”
The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”

#joke #short #policeman
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Sumbich

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

The Queen and Dolly Parton die...

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
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Three men...A chicken and a cow...

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."

The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."

So they all agreed and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."

So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.

So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

Knock Knock Collection 016


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aries!
Aries who?
Aries a reason why I talk this way!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arizona!
Arizona who?
Arizona room for one of us in this town!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armageddon!
Armageddon who?
Armageddon getting out of here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armenia!
Armenia who?
Armenia every word I say!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (11)

Business one-liners 37

The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.

The deadline is one week after the original deadline.

The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.

The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.

The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

The early worm deserves the bird.

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (7)

A police officer saw a car speeding...

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway. He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close hes saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving. The cop yelled, Pull over! The blonde shouted back, No! Its a sweater!
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.40/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (10)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

... Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

There were four men, one from ...

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Rating: 3.3/10 (28)

"This morning I felt that...

"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh."

"Did he win?"

"No, he came in seventh."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2008
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

The Assassin

The...

The Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2008
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I used to be indecisive, now I...

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2008
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Business One-liners 08


All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2008
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2008
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