JOKES OF THE DAY

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
   
   
   
2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
   
   
   
3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
   
   
   
4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
   
   
   
5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
   
   
   
6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
   
   
   
7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
   
   
   
8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
   
   
   

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," he replied.

Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Ganesh for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

“Oh Ganesh, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. "Ganesh please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. "My Ganesh, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: "Bholaji, buy a lottery ticket first."