Jokes of the day for Saturday, 03 July 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 03 July 2010
  • Currently 9.58/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (74)

Jesus Is Watching You!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.37/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (38)

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (11)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Saturday, 03 July 2010

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Funny video of the day Saturday, 03 July 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Fruit Cake Recipe #jokes #humor

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Socrates came upon an acquaint...

Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. “The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true? “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.” “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..” “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?” “Well it ..no, not really..” “Well, concluded Socates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.86/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Flat Screen Stand? Why Would I Need That?

Flat Screen Stand? Why Would I Need That? | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

A gang-member was holding his ...

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

The golfer and the funeral...

A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Find number abc

If 3a131 - c0c6c = 1486b find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.26/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (35)

Steve Marmel: America Is Not a Bully

Im tired of hearing about how Americas a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. Were the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 January 2010
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (40)

Dave: I got this great new hea...

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 February 2009
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (11)

Speechee

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an

Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far

Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make

conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our

Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful

50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of

"encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries

of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down,

and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like

speechee?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 July 2008
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

A father is sitting in his cha...

A father is sitting in his chair watching t.v. when all of a sudden his 9 year old son comes running through the house.

The boy runs into the kithchen grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth runs back through the livingroom grabs the cat, bites the cat and runs out the door.

The father sits there dumbfounded and wonders what his son is doing. Well a few minutes later the boy runs back in the house and does the same exact thing.

He runs into the kithchen,grabs a handful of m&m's pops them in his mouth then runs into the livingroom grabs the cat, bites him and runs out the door.

Now the father is REALLY curious about what his son is doing so the next time he comes in he was just going to have to ask.

Well sure enough a few minutes later here comes his son running into the house to the kitchen grabs a handful of the m&m's runs into the livingroom grabs the cat and bites him and when he went to run out the door his father stops him and says, "son what in the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing." says his son.

"Then why are you running into the kitchen grabbing a handful of m&m's popping them in your mouth then running in here grabbing the cat and biting him then taking off out the door?"

The boy replies," I'm practicing on being a biker like you daddy... popping pills, eating pussy and runnin'!!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 July 2008
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

The test...

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 July 2008
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

This guy in a bar notices a wo...

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it makes my husband pretty upset."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 July 2009
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

The Rabbi in The confession...

The Rabbi in The confession booth

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.

"I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.

A woman came into the booth and said, Bless me Father for I have sinned.
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box."

Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next confession?"

The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 July 2008
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

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