Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 October 2011
  • Currently 9.63/10

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Hilarious jokes-Lost bearings

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.
"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."
"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."
"The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
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Rating: 2.8/10 (6)

"Cash, check or charge?" the c...

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Angry Girl Freaks Out!

Angry Girl Freaks Out! - Do not be around her - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 3.9/10 (10)

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie ...

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.09/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (32)

The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!

Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.

The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 5.4/10 (36)

Funny Photo of the day - Akin To a Sex Change

Akin To a Sex Change | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
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Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

Lost In Translation

Contributed by John Roderick

In Texas , there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben hinein geschissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it.")

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York , and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please
speak in English."

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

"Cash, check or charge?" the c...

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

Calculate the number 1079

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1079 using numbers [2, 1, 2, 6, 87, 986] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Q: What do you call a lawyer w...

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?

A: A lawyer.


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Your honor.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.

Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

#joke #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Brother -in-law

A man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he has money in the bank.

He replied "No money in the bank."

The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.39/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (23)

Laura Kightlinger: Sex Rule

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebodys face while were having sex. Because, number one, what if I know the guy?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (12)

The Cesium Song 01


Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
---Songs of Cesium #34

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Menopause

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

——————————————————————————–

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

——————————————————————————–

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

——————————————————————————–

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

——————————————————————————–

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

——————————————————————————–

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

——————————————————————————–

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

——————————————————————————–

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “I remember these”.

Source: Menopause Humor

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (12)

Four Engineers were traveling in a car...

There are four engineers traveling in a car;:
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 August 2010
  • Currently 4.69/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (26)

A little boy wanted $100.0...

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. the President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 November 2009
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Rating: 6.4/10 (43)

There was this guy at a bar, j...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 October 2010
  • Currently 7.38/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (13)

What do you call....

Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards? <p> A: A receding hare line

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 October 2010
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Rating: 3.2/10 (9)

Cow and Her Apples

A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.
Im here to eat some apples.
But this is a pine tree!
I know. I brought my own apples.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 October 2009
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

Funny Computer Questions #joke #humor

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won't let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn't crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,' then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 October 2010
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Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Little Johnny comes home from ...

Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 October 2008
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

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