Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 December 2011
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 06 December 2011|
While attending a marriage sem...While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor.
It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He addressed the man, can you describe your wifes favorite flower?
Jack leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, It's Pillsbury isnt it?
Zen…1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Funny video of the day - Random fails compilation
Blonde jokes-Four corners
A: None, because none of these characters exist.
You must shave down below if y...You must shave down below if you live in a mow nasty hairy.
While attending a Marriage sem...While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”
Find the right combination
One day this fellow noticed th...One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't." replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
Greeting cards you will not see at Hallmark...'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?'
'Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.'
'How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?'
'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.'
'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you.'
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.'
'As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...'
'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!'
'Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.'
'Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.'
'You look great for your age.......
'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'
'I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.'
'We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?'
'I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.'
'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?'
'You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'
Carlos Mencia: Super-FenceYou know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they cant get back in. And I went, Um, whos gonna build it?
Look at that bunch of cows! #joke #humorCity Lady: Look at that bunch of cows.
Cowboy: No, herd.
City Lady: Heard of what?
Cowboy: Herd of cows.
City Lady: Sure, I've heard of cows!
Cowboy: No, a cow herd.
City Lady: What do I care what a cow heard? I've got no secrets from a cow!
A drunk walks into a crowded b...A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."
A Guy was staying in a fancy h...A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
Finally, the good-natured boss...Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
We work by results...
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."