Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 May 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 May 2012
  • Currently 9.70/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (113)

Light bulb jokes-Nurses

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, as they simply have a nursing assistant to do it.
As many as the doctor orders.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend five hours in the waiting room.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (10)

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
#joke #friday
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 7.24/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (29)

Funny video of the day - Wedding Fails Mashup

Wedding Fails Mashup - With wedding season coming up, here is a reminder not to screw it up! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (11)

Supper

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (11)

Call me scent o'...

Call me scent o' mental, but when I talk to you I can smell the crazy.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - SHUT UP

SHUT UP | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (13)

Home sick...

A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

"Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (31)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (2, 5, 7, 24, 27, 29, 49, 52, 54) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (83)

10 Christian Pick-up Lines

* Nice Bible.
* God told me to come and meet you.
* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
* I know a church where we could go and talk.
* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do?
* Do you believe in divine appointment?
* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.
* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member qtbabe

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 February 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (12)

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of...

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two."
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 August 2011
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (37)

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 October 2010
  • Currently 6.87/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (38)

It seems a farm boy accide...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 December 2009
  • Currently 6.34/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (56)

Chuck Norris is not his full n...

Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 May 2011
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (34)

Yo mama is so flat

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of the wall!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a book!

Yo mama so flat she's jealous of a piece of paper!

#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 May 2010
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (10)

Great hooters

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 May 2009
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (10)

Giving Up Half

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As

the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,

he began muttering, "Oh oh !"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do

you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,

you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the

LOOKING or the THINKING?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 May 2011
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

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