Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 February 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 February 2013
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Rating: 9.6/10 (66)

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.

Las Vegas Sign Keychains 2011 Summer Vacation California Las Vegas July 24, 201119

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Really funny jokes-Growing up

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - How to get a free ride on train

How to get a free ride on train - Yu have to be prepared and have good timing and good fellow travelers - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Super Sex!!!

A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Priest vs. Homosexual

What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?

The way they say ahhhh-men.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Clothespin face and tongue

Clothespin face and tongue - Ok, WHY? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Pleasing Sister Mary


There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Mistress, prostitue.

What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?

The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"

The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Submitted by fairytales64

Edited by Curtis and calamjo

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (5)

What has no beginning, no en...

What has no beginning, no end, and nothing in the middle?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A mother was preparing pancake...

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

The best answer to the questio...

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2011
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Behind every successful man, t...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 June 2011
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (34)

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (33)

Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (42)

The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (27)

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 February 2009
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (25)

Bought A Bad Computer


Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

  1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
  2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
  3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
  4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
  5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
  6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
    The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
    The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
    The only chip inside is a Dorito.
    You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 February 2009
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