Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
Really funny jokes-Growing up
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
Funny video of the day - How to get a free ride on train
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".
Priest vs. Homosexual
What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
The way they say ahhhh-men.
Pleasing Sister Mary
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."
Mistress, prostitue.What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?
The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"
The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis and calamjo
What has no beginning, no en...
A mother was preparing pancake...A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
The best answer to the questio...The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Rising to the OccasionA bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology
professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided
the next time he did something offensive, they would all
stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very
next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African
natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be
interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a
cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.
The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The
next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"
The three wise men are out for...The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
Name the animals...
The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"
"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.
"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.
"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"
Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
Bought A Bad Computer
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.