Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Funny jokes-Parting with Name

Ski Buddies

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold.
To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!
The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."

“Of all sports humor,...

“Of all sports humor, football is my favorite. I get a kick out of the punts.”

One day an employee came in to...

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"

Signs of the times....

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!

In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'

On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'

In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

Not cheap

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week!

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

With Good Claus

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

#joke

Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Tired sperm

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"

The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

Submitted by curtis

Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1

A young man at this constructi...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Thai Rivera: Paying Customer

I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered

What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia