Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 June 2014

New prefix

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes

Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes

Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males

Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait

Bimbag - a blonde's purse

Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag

Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes

Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes

Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard

Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything

Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook

Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her

Bimboette - a young blonde

Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else

Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes

Bimboozle - to fool a blonde

Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence

Bimbozo - another name for a blonde

Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes

Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde

Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is

Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

Wife: "I look fat. Can you gi...

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

TEACHER: Why are you late, Fra...

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Marriage counselor

Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.

Counselor: What happened?

Husband: We got married.

Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?

Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Angelic Love

"My wife is an angel."

"Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

“An avionics warning ...

“An avionics warning is a flier alarm.”

Ponderings Collection 04

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?

It was the kindergarten teache...

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

Ted Alexandro: Personal Trainer

My sisters a personal trainer. Thats a tough job. I dont think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. Can you help me define my abs? Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.

Kyle Kinane: Not a Hobby

At this age, its really not a hobby, its just a drinking problem now.

How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Patton Oswalt: Obituary Fear

My other big obituary fear is, when I die, theyll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, He loved to laugh. Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesnt tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- youre laughing! Thats like saying, He hungered for food.

John Smith started the day ear...

John Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG), and put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO), to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN JAPAN), filled it with GAS (from SAUDI ARABIA) to continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA)...
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

And now he is hoping he can get help from the president (MADE IN KENYA)?

There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"