Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 November 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 November 2015 |
Do not annoy me this week
Do not annoy me this week, because if you do… I'll give your number to all the kids and tell them it's santa's hotline. George had responded to a call
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned. "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Would you like to dance?
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Answering Machine Message 154
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God's true name is unpronounceable...because God is Welsh."What's an obstetrician&#
What's an obstetrician's favourite breakfast? Eggs/ovaries.The new metro cop pulled a spe
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue."Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired."But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtownand sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Children misquoting
Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Who Is Calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
A husband exclaims to his wife
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"We noticed that all the waiter...
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
Chuck Norris will never have a...
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.Chuck Norris can make snow ang...
Chuck Norris can make snow angels on a concrete slab.Dream job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Disappearing diner
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."