A recent bride called her mothA recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef'..."
“A friend of mine fou
“A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.”
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
My husband wants me to ask you....
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Newfie Goes Skydiving
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.
The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
Redneck Woman Shows
You might be a redneck if your ma has ever run out of the bathroom and said " Ya'll come look at this 'fore I flush it.
Can you name the athletes by the picture?
What do you call a Mexican croWhat do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus? I don’t know, but you should see it pick lettuce!
Difference between a good girl and a bad girlThe only difference between a good girl and a bad girl is that good girls are more selective who they're bad with.
Special golf ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”
"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
“That’s OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”
The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”
“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
The other guy replies, “I found it.”
Angry WitchQ. What do you call an angry Witch?
As horny as hellA guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.
She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"
The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.
Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".
The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".
The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",
The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
Calling the Last Rites
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
What Would Jesus Drive?
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “...Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”