Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 March 2017

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 March 2017
  • Currently 9.56/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1896)

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The ABC's of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.55/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (47)

“For summer vacation,

“For summer vacation, I decided to go to north-eastern Spain and Basque in the sunshine.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A woman goes into an antique s...

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."
"Why not?" asked the customer.
"Because that's my husband."
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

The check-up...

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

Funny Photo of the day - Donkey basketball

Donkey basketball - When you wanna do sports, but are to lazy to run | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

 California Crazy Law


  • Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  • Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
  • Bathhouses are against the law.
  • In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
  • No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
  • Women may not drive in a house coat.
  • It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

    Arcadia


  • Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

    Alhambra


  • You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

    Baldwin Park


  • Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

    Belvedere


  • City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

    Blythe


  • You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

    Burlingame


  • It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

    Carmel


  • Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
  • Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

    Chico


  • Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

    Downey


  • It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

    Hollywood


  • It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

    Lafayette


  • You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

    Lodi


  • It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

    Lompoc


  • It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

    Long Beach


  • It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
  • Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

    Los Angeles


  • Toads may not be licked.
  • You may not hunt moths under a street light.
  • It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
  • You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
  • Zoot suits are prohibited.
  • It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
  • It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

    Ontario


  • Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

    Pacific Grove


  • Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

    Palm Springs


  • It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

    Pasadena


  • It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

    Prunedale


  • Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

    Redlands


  • Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

    Riverside


  • One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

    San Diego


  • The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
  • It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

    San Francisco


  • Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
  • Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
  • It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
  • It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

    San Jose


  • It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

    Santa Monica


  • You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

    Temecula


  • Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

    #joke #christmas
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

    Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
    #joke
    Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 7.70/10

    Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

    Chess Knight Move

    Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is M. Length of words in solution: 8,5,6.
    CHECK ANSWER
    Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

    When it comes to Shakespearean

    When it comes to Shakespearean accents, Anne Hathaway with words.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
    • Currently 3.60/10

    Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

    The teacher was describing the

    The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
    "And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."
    "Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 7.50/10

    Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

    Crab -- It's too much work. T

    Crab -- It's too much work. They're like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part of the crab you're not supposed to eat. I think it's' called "all of it."
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
    • Currently 3.17/10

    Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

    White hair

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

    white hair

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"     

    #joke
    • Currently 6.27/10

    Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

    Next mood swing: 6 minutes

    Next mood swing: 6 minutes
    I hate everybody, you're next.
    And your point is.............?
    I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
    I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
    Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
    Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
    Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
    You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
    If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
    I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
    Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 September 2016
    • Currently 3.17/10

    Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

    up, comedians, funny videos, d...

    up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb
    #joke #short #lawyer #yomama
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 March 2009
    • Currently 2.42/10

    Rating: 2.4/10 (36)

    Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout

    This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 March 2012
    • Currently 3.82/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (33)

    Men are like a pack of Cards...

    Men are like a pack of Cards:
    A "heart" to love them
    A "diamond" to marry them
    A "club" to smack them and
    A "spade" to bury the body...
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 March 2014
    • Currently 4.80/10

    Rating: 4.8/10 (30)

    Superman

    This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.

    He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.

    He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."

    The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.

    "Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.

    "How did you do that?"

    "Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"

    "Alright, get out of the way!

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT

    The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!

    Submitted by Curtis

    Edited by Calamjo

    #joke #walksintoabar
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 March 2012
    • Currently 4.50/10

    Rating: 4.5/10 (20)

    Oldest profession....

    A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

    "Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

    "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

    "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

    #joke #doctor
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 March 2015
    • Currently 8.23/10

    Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

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