The ABC's of Marriage
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
“For summer vacation,
“For summer vacation, I decided to go to north-eastern Spain and Basque in the sunshine.”
A woman goes into an antique s...A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."
"Why not?" asked the customer.
"Because that's my husband."
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!
California Crazy Law
Three Jewish Mothers Compare SonsThree Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
Chess Knight Move
When it comes to ShakespeareanWhen it comes to Shakespearean accents, Anne Hathaway with words.
The teacher was describing theThe teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
"And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."
"Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"
Crab -- It's too much work. TCrab -- It's too much work. They're like the pistachio of seafood. And there's that nasty part of the crab you're not supposed to eat. I think it's' called "all of it."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Next mood swing: 6 minutesNext mood swing: 6 minutes
I hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
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Natasha Leggero: Boston BlackoutThis girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.
Men are like a pack of Cards...Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
SupermanThis guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.
He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.
He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."
The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.
"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"
"Alright, get out of the way!
The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"