Who is the Boss?
A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately.
A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.
The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before.'
The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”
“When applicant numbe
“When applicant numbers to follow optometry were low, the School authorities decided to re-advertise, to dilate the pupils!”
Kissing butt isn't so baKissing butt isn't so bad. You have to consider all ass pecks.
Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, werTwo lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heatedexchange during a trial. The judge asked bothlawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because mydistinguished colleague Bill was badgering thewitness. It is obvious he has never heard of theBill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."
Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that saysyou can't even tell me the first few words."
Bill smirked and accepted the challenge andbegan, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money fromhis pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."
How Old Are You?A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
I informed my grandson that ouI informed my grandson that our cousin was coming to the swimming pool with us. He sighed, "Oh no. The H word."
Alarmed, I inquired, "The H word?"
"Yup," he answered. "Hugs!"
Who made it, tells it not. Who...
Getting to Heaven from the Post OfficeA preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
A jeweler watched as a huge trA jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.
"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"
"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."
"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."
A Puzzle for Darwin
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
One day a little girl was sitt...One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Helicopter Flying LessonsA blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to
learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000
feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and
was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I
turned off the big fan!"