Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 August 2017

Feeling lost after I gave up p

Feeling lost after I gave up pig breeding. Now my life is a bit rutterless.

Learning by example...

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

In primitive society, when nat

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground withclubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilizedsociety, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight andnot too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannotcount, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are thosein front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, playeighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words weretaken.

I Will Miss Them

My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read: 'Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children.'

“When the dog swallow

“When the dog swallowed a bell, his bark began pealing.”

Putting Out a Fire...by Fire

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”The Methodists prayed in a corner.The Baptists wondered where they could find water.The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

A lonely frog telephoned the P

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he asks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

 Why The Bad Plays?

A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Answering Machine Message 19

(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.

After spending a night at a ho...

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"

5 great jokes in the middle of the week

Why is giving birth called delivery
…instead of take-out?

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You’re hilarious!"