Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 August 2019

Girl: Baby I am wet.

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that.
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want something big and round.
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Perfect Honeymoon

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"
"What, and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

Jigsaw puzzle

“A completed jigsaw puzzle is a pieceful solution.”

Jokes written on the walls

1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.

2. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.

3. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University.

4. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.

5. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.

6. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, NY.

7. A woman's rule of thumb, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX.

8. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality... but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. - The Cellar Restaurant, VA.

9. Hey Nike, I just did it! - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

Clocks in heaven....

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

 Irish Laughs

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

#joke

Why did President Truman drop ...

Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb? Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.

Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

What did the drummer call his...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
- Anna one, Anna two...

How the diet going?

"How the diet going?"
"Not good, I had eggs for breakfast."
"Scrambled?"
"No, chocolate."

I love sleeping

I love sleeping but i never want to go to sleep early… We stay up late every night, regret it every morning. Then do it all over again.

What day it is today?

Whilst sitting down for breakfast a woman says to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day it is today."

The husband replies, "Of course I do darling. How could I ever forget?"

The husband leaves for work and later that morning a dozen red roses are delivered. In the afternoon a huge box of chocolates arrive at the door followed by a beautiful evening dress. When he arrives back home the husband gives his wife a beautiful pearl necklace.

His wife throws her arms around him and gives him a huge kiss, exclaiming,

"I've never had such a wonderful Chinese New Year in my whole life!"

Two quick ones...

Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.

----------

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.