An Irish man walks in to a barAn Irish man walks in to a bar with bandages all round his feet.
His friend asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well," he said, "it all started with a can of soup which said on it 'open can and stand in boiling water for ten minutes'... so i did."
The Big Mount Everest
I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No... it’s to look at.”
The Christmas gift...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."
"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"
A strong young man at a constrA strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.
'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he Said,
'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'
Adam Ferrara: Easter LessonMy favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that dont know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
When I got the bill ...
“When I got the bill for the engine rebuild, I blew a gasket!”
Find number abc
A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
One afternoon a man came home ...One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes", he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments."
9. You look really, really good in yellow.
8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?