Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 April 2021

A boy who was a witness to a c

A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."

Mistaken Identity

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...
Mistaken for patience!

Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

A young preacher was contacted

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to holda grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someonewith no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly gothimself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and theworkmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already inplace. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

Hahahahahaha

The joke is:























!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three men were discussing at a...

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!

Corporate Story

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

Maria Bamford: Fulfilling Potential

Im afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

This reminds me of something y...

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and…
“Where does mommy live?”
“Minneapolis.”
“Where does grandma live?”
“Baltimore.”
“Where does grandpa live?”
“Baltimore.”
“And where does daddy live?”
“At work!”
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next […]

Need A New Lawyer

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
   
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
   
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
   
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
   
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.
   

The man told his doctor that h...

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

A fisherman returned to shore...

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Same Patient

After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don't worry. We've seen worse. Last year we had a girl come in to get a blood test for her marriage license and we had to stick her six times in four places before we got anything."
"Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!"

Christmas QA Jokes

Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?

A. The Elfabet.

Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?

A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?

A: Minivans.

Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?

A: Minnesoda.

Q: What is Claustrophobia?

A: The fear of Santa Claus.

Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?

A: Snowflakes.

Dan Cummins: Yearly Homeless Charity

I dont know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.