Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 November 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 November 2021 |
Casino Money
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
It Runs On Water
Fred: I’ve invented a truck that runs on water.
Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?
Fred: So it can run on water.
"If a man has a beautiful sten
"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch."I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."
Would you like to dance?
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
A terrorist in Canada is anyon
A terrorist in Canada is anyone who ISIS the puck.A man was walking along a Cali...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Chuck Norris counted to infini...
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.Never Trust a Street Gang in Heaven
One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"
Are Blind Pilots Flying?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
A mother is cleaning her teena...
A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."
World Pasta Day day jokes
October 25 is World Pasta Day! Have some fun with pasta and pasta jokes!
A blonde walks into a library and she asked the librarian “Do you have pasta?”
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered “Miss, this is the library.”
The blonde whispers “Do you have pasta?”
Why couldn’t the pasta get into his house?
Because he had gnocchi!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. So sad that he ran out of thyme.
Why did the man get fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli mistakes.
Where did the spaghetti go to dance?
A meat ball!
Why did the pasta call up his friend?
He was feeling canneloni.
What kind of pasta can make all your wishes come true?
Fettugenie.
How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
He’s a little square.
Why does pasta always have to pay so much for car insurance?
Because his car always ends up al dente.
Do you have any other pasta jokes?
I’ll give you a penne for your thoughts.
Some pasta puns
I’m such a hopeless ramen-tic.
Noodles are part of my daily rotini.
No need to be ravi-lonely, I’m here.
I’m crazy pho noodles!
I cannelloni do so much
Don’t make fusilli mistakes.
That is tortellini awesome!
Don’t judge me because udon know me
Come and spaghet it.
Spaghett out of my way!
You just spaghet-me!
The battle of spaghettisburg.
I walked right pasta and didn’t even notice!
Life is full of pasta-bilities.
Can you pasta sauce please?
This too shall pasta.
You mac me smile.
Southwest
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
