Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 16 November 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 16 November 2021 |
What do you call a database of
What do you call a database of prisoners' wigwams?Passing a Mental Exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Tom had this problem of gettin
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Hot Dog!
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
CAT DIARY, 7 entries
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. ---------
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
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DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
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DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
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DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
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DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
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DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
There is no Ctrl button on Chu...
There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. School Notes
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test
I dont even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. Im looking at all the aisles -- they dont have one that says oops. Death Bed
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt."Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
8 short jokes for good start of the week
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the ...
Minneapolis?
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers ...
The Times are rough
Sink or swim?
Sod it, I'm going in the pool. The dishes can wait!
My friend asked me to name two things that hold water.
"Well, Dam."
I think it is a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit
But that's just my two scents
So this kid comes home from school in panic and says Dad, they are all picking on me…are we pyromaniacs?
The dad looks down sadly and says. We arson.
4 asked 5 out but got rejected ...
Cause it was 2 squared.
My wife told me to stop counting.
But I didn't one two.
Lightbulb Joke Collection 12
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
An elderly lady was stopped to...
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
Drinking again
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A housewife with three young c...
A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"