Jokes of the day for Friday, 15 April 2022

Not A Single Person Asked

Not a single person asked if I could run fast in my new shoes today...
Being an adult is stupid.

So… I beat my boss over

So… I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. And they charged me with a graph-aided assault.

My son....

A young punk gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple & orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally the punk gets self-conscious and yells at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore & had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Outdone

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workers.

After several minutes, Morris had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said: "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied: "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Wake up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

Chuck Norris has an ongoing fe...

Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Chuck Norris was born a blonde...

Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.

Pun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."    

Red truck

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here, muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

Brian Regan: Einstein

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

This is how my week goes

This is how my week goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.

Entrance Exam

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven.
An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?"
It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven."
The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?"
The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers."
The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in."
Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees. The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"