Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 06 December 2022

Hear that the Mafia is trying

Hear that the Mafia is trying to lose its tough-guy image?

Hindu Happy Birthday

Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Chronic Evil

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness."
"Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

Only one kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Early Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

What Will The Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

Finally, the good-natured boss...

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

Carlos Mencia: Super-Fence

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they cant get back in. And I went, Um, whos gonna build it?

He Remembered

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo

I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb!

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You might be a reneck if...
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

April Fool's Day - Nicholas Cage Copy-Bomb Prank

Nicholas Cage Copy-Bomb Prank: Step one: find crazed picture of Nic Cage (this shouldn’t be hard). Step two: tape to inside of copier. Step three: hide in the corner and giggle.

English lessons

A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.

He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.

"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.

"My bike," the chief replies.

School absences

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.