Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 December 2022

NED: I

NED: I got into an argument with a midget today.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, we just didn't see thigh-to-eye.

Psychic Girlfriend

I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
But she left me before we met.

Where Have I Met You?

"I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you,” one man said to another at a gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange?”"Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”

Longitude and latitude

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

200 Bucks

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.
The wife answers the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"    

The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.

Bag

Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.

His son came back with the food on his head.

So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"

The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

End of the earth

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?

Submitted by sai1ram

Edited by Curtis

That look on your face when yo...

That look on your face when you realize it's a Friday!

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

TBecause everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

A guy is stranded on a desert...

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"

Skydiving

Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"

A Pint of Less

A customer walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a pint of less, please.”
“Less?” queried the bartender. “What’s that?”
“I don’t know either,” said the customer, “but my doctor told me to drink less.”

Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used

Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms.