Jokes of the day for Saturday, 23 August 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 23 August 2008
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Rating: 9.5/10 (126)

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#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

I Don't Speak Dog


A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."
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Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

Law of Advertising

T...

Law of Advertising

Truth won't stick to glossy paper.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Ike, Mike and Mustard were on ...

Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike and Mike rushed to see what had happened.

According to Mustard, he had gotten lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How far is The Olde Log Inn?"
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Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Auctions and golf...

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (21)

Who invented King Arthur's rou...

Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference

Brian Sidcup, Marchmont

If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 33 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

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Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Find number abc

If b1451 - 6ab3c = 1b6a1 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A typical macho man marr...

A typical macho man married the typical good-looking girl.

On their honeymoon before they crawled into bed he says to his wife, "honey I want you to do something for me"

She's thinking oh great he wants it his way, so she says,

"Yes dear what would you like me to do?"

He replies, "I want you to put on my pants"

So she thinks for a minute then she says ok.

As she goes to pull up the pants she says to her husband,

"Honey your pants won't fit me "

He says, "That's right. I wear the pants in this relationship and that's the way it's going to stay"

So with out missing a beat she tells him,

"Honey I want you to do something for me"

He replies with a sigh, "What do you want me to do dear?"

She replies, "I want you to try on my panties."

Thinking that this is one of her fetishes, he goes to please his wife and puts them on.

In his attempt to put on his wife panties, he can't pull them past his knees, so he says to her,

"Honey I can't get into your panties!"

She replies,

"That's right and that's the way it's going to stay until you change your attitude"

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Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Why is psychoanalysis quicker ...

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than for a woman? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

Microsoft Buys Church


MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.





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Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Got Milk?

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there

where three t-shirts on display for sale.

The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin

white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK

The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan

with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK

And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache

and under her it was titled: NOT MILK

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (8)

Racists and Lightbulbs

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- they don't want to be enlightened!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

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Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (46)

Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

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Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (9)

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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
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