Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 August 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 22 August 2008
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Rating: 9.5/10 (108)

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#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jobs 1 - UK Job search joke of the day
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

See what proper pun...

See what proper punctuation will do!!

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Sheila

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Sheila

#joke
Joke | Source: Dos santos online - Not joke related site, but with joke of the day
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (10)

Two girls were riding bicycles...

Two girls were riding bicycles through the historic district.

One says "I've never come this way before."

The second grins and says "Yeah, must be the cobblestones."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Please stand up....

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

An obscene caller from Aberdee...

An obscene caller from Aberdeen had a short career.
He kept reversing the charges.

Margaret Paterson, Lochend

If you have a joke to share. e-mail letters_en@ edinburgh news.com


The full article contains 35 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 5.38/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

In a long line of frustr...

In a long line of frustrated people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

In shock & surprise, the man in front quickly turned around and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think youÂ’re doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a massage therapist and I could see how frustrated and tense youÂ’ve become, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

The guy replies, "That's the most ridiculous & stupidest thing I've ever heard!". "I work for the TAX office. Do you see me screwing the person in front of me?"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (8)

Which word fits the fourth line?

Which word fits the fourth line?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Did you hear about the man who...

Did you hear about the man who fell in love with a psychic? He got down on one knee and asked her, "Will I marry you?"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Song Of The Elements


There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,

And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium

And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,

And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,

Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium

And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium

And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)

And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.


There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium

And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium

And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,

And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.


There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium

And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium

And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,

Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium

And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,

Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,

Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)

And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.


There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium

And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium

And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium

And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,

Tungsten, tin and sodium.


- Tom Lehrer





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (10)

Marketing translations

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.81/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (16)

Racists and Lightbulbs

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None -- they don't want to be enlightened!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (9)

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

#joke
Joke | Source: Ray Owens' Joke A Day - Making Fun Of Morons Since 1863
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (46)

The Minister and the Taxi Driver


A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (9)

All Categories

Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 June 2008
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