Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 December 2008

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 15 December 2008
  • Currently 9.60/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (98)

EVEN MORE MORE COMPUTER VIRUS&...

EVEN MORE MORE COMPUTER VIRUS'S

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

How did the human connonball l...

How did the human connonball lose his job?
He got fired

James Hogg, Blackhall

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (3)

Dilemma

One day ...

Dilemma

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man..."I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Two cows are eating grass. One...

Two cows are eating grass. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looks over and replies, "Why should I care? I'm a rabbit."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Bring Riches With You


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"





#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

Calculate the number 1033

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1033 using numbers [2, 8, 5, 9, 71, 992] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Where is Jesus?

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids

where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.

"Jesus lives in my heart."

"Very good." said the teacher.

She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in

Heaven."

Very good said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be

called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny

but finally did.

"Jesus lives in the bathroom."

After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the

bathroom.

"Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom

door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in there?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (4)

A manager brings a dog ...

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player.  He plays all the
standards.  He's sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out.  The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That's his mother.  She wants him to be a doctor.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the day - Jokes of the day on Wordpress
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (33)

What is Hell?

One day...

What is Hell?

One day a man arrives at the gates of hell. Of course the poor soul gets to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms.

The Devil leads him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room, desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero. Let's go to the next room, the man says, "I like eternity to be a little warmer."

The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning. Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says," I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room, Mr. Diabolo!."

The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dog poop to their knees a group of peopl are drinking coffee. "Now that's nice", the man exclaims," Eternity should be nice drinking coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay here for the next three million years!." As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks. But after a while a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker: Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again !

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 September 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

Ten rea...

Ten reasons why employers should serve alcohol at work:

1 It reduces complaints about low pay.

2 It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

3 It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.

4 Employees work later instead of going to the pub.

5 Stops employees getting drunk on their lunch break.

6 Staff no longer need free coffee to sober up.

7 It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

8 It cuts down on time off because staff can work with a hangover.

9 Employees are a lot less likely to remember about promotion.

10 It leads to more honest communications.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 August 2008
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

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