A Texan farmer goes to Austral...A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Q: How can yo...Q: How can you keep a five dollar bill from a Mexican?
A: Put it under a bar of soap.
A police recruit was asked dur...A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, â€œWhereâ€™d he come from?â€
â€œHe came from heaven, Johnny.â€
â€œWow! I can see why they threw him out!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
John's on a business trip with...John's on a business trip with Bill, a co-worker that never shuts up. John keeps trying to catch a few winks on the plane but Bill keeps asking him to play a "game" with him. John finally realizes he's not gonna get Bill to shut up until he plays so he says, "Okay, what's the game?."
Bill says, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me 5 dollars, then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I give you 5 dollars back."
John says no and turns back over to get some sleep. Bill says he'll make it more interesting and up John's payback to 50 bucks in the event Bill doesn't know the answer. John agrees. Bill asks, "How far is the moon from the sun?." John just pulls out his wallet and hands Bill 5 bucks.
Bill says, "Okay, now it's your turn!." John thinks for a second and asks, "What has 3 legs going up one side of a hill and 4 legs coming down the other?." Bill is stumped. He checks his laptop computer, makes a few calls on the Air-Telephone then returns and hands John 50 bucks. John then rolls over to go back to sleep. Bill finally says, "I give up! What's the answer?." John just reaches into his wallet and hands Bill another five bucks.
The new manager walks into his...The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, 'Blame the government for everything'.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, 'Prepare 4 new envelopes'
Which is a winning combination of digits?
Host: There's a storm outside....Host: There's a storm outside. You can't go home in such bad weather -- why not spend the night here? Guest: All right. Just let me go home first and get my pajamas.
Shortage Of Parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Quick clean jokes...Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
Q: What's a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
Q: How does a lion like his steak?
A: Medium roar.
Q: What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
A: French flies.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Put a boogie in it!
Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
A: He's all-right now!
ArizonaYOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
- You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't
remember the name of the incumbent.
- You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
- You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
- You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
- You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
- You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
- You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over
- You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
- You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your
- You can make sun tea instantly.
- You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
- You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
- Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
- You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San
Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and
- It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.
- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.
- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
- You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."
An Order of SpaghettiA doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at the office and explained, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dont understand what it means. The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.
What did the digital clock say...What did the digital clock say to the analogue clock?
Look, no hands!