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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, Dec the 1st 2009
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Some Plants |
| Some plants, said the teacher, have the prefix dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by dog. I can, shouted a blonde. Collieflower! |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Brakes on |
| A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes." |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.8/10 (6 votes cast) |
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I Get No Respect 05 |
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 5.2/10 (5 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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| A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.6/10 (11 votes cast) |
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The traveling evangelist ... |
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.
At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!"
Still no sign of the dove.
The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters:
"Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'\$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?' |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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jokes of the day ads
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jokes of the day ads
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Private Audience With the Holy Mother
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After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours."
John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St. Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?"
Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl." |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 7.0/10 (7 votes cast) |
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 7.0/10 (6 votes cast) |
Do you know how to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
| A potential terrorist attack by militant Buddhists was defused by the Department of Om land Security. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 1.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Legal Action |
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with
spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was
bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup
around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said,
"What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in
your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once
and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.9/10 (31 votes cast) |
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What will you do for golf? #golf #jokes |
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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