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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Saturday, Dec the 12th 2009
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limos and headlights |
| One time there was a little boy who was really dirty. so the little boy asked his mom if he could take a shower with her. he begged and begged so his mother finally said ok! as long as he didn't look up or down. so when they got inthe shower, the little boy loked up and siad mommy what r those? the mother repied headlights! then he looked down and asked her what that was? she said that was the garage. ok the litle oy said. the next week the little boy was really dirty again but this time he took a shower with his dad. The dad said, You can as long as you don't look down . so the little boy looked down and asked what he named it? the limo said the dad! That night the litle boy had a bad dream, so he went into his parents room to see if he could sleep with them? they finally agreed to it as long as he didn't look under the covers. so after about 5 min. he looked under the covers and said mommy turn on your headlights open the garage daddys long stechy limo's commin in! |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 5.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Signs And Notices 18 |
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
| In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 3.3/10 (18 votes cast) |
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Jewish Brothers.... |
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors, and lawyers -- and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.
The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama'.
The second said, I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house. The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'
The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute \$100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.' The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: Milton -- Bubbileh, the house you built is so huge, I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
Irving– Tataleh, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin --you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Chicken was delicious!!! |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 3.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:
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- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
submitted by leighli |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Irish Confessional |
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array
of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been
to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it
used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're in my side."
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 5.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."
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Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.3/10 (4 votes cast) |
| There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working againâ€, says the mechanical engineer. “Wellâ€, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.†“I thought it might be a grounding problemâ€, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.†They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?†“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?†|
Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."
"This is my final position, and I will not compromise!"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 5.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
| Knitting makes me yarn for the good old days. These days I have nothing but looming deadlines! |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Two Venerable |
Two venerable citizens were talking about King Solomon.
"That old Solomon, he was a mighty wise King," mused one of them. "All those wives and concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he arranged to provide the necessary food for all those women."
"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," said the second man, "I just wonder what he was eating himself." |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 3.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longerremember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre wherethey are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walkonto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just onefinger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and overagain. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with greatpassion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and thedirector was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget myline?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
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Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.8/10 (17 votes cast) |
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Bum in Need of Food |
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 5.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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