A man goes into a drug store a...A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for?!!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Police Quotes#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 04 January 2010
Pick A Starting Salary #joke #humorReaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
A young man wanted to get his ...A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
Navy officers tend to behave <...Navy officers tend to behave admiralbly.
A kindergarten teacher asked: ...A kindergarten teacher asked: “What is the shape of the earth?”
After a pause a little girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy…terrible!”
Which is a winning combination of digits?
A little girl asked her father...A little girl asked her father:
"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."
Blonde Ice FishingA blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. The very scared blonde raised her head and said, Is that you, Lord? The voice answered, NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.
Chopping more than wood....
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Answering Machine Message 128
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
Violin vs ViolaWhat's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
Shopping At The SuperMarketA girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."
What sort of television progra...What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: â€œFather, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.â€
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
â€œI am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.â€
On a church postcard: â€œI have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.â€
Church sign: â€œJesus Saves!â€ Safeway sign across the street: â€œSafeway saves you more!â€
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Chickenguesse what?....... chicken butt
Need a good condomA huge Indian walks into a convinient store.
"I need a good condom" The cashier replies: "Here's a pretty good one. This should be fine."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"
cashier: "Well here, try this one. It's our heavy duty condom. This can stand up to anything."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go CAPOW!"
cashier: "That's insane! Here try this one. It's made out of pure tire rubber. This thing could stand up to King Kong."
The next day the Indian returns.
"Me go ugh. Wive go ugh. Condom go ugh. Left nut go CAPOW!"
The top 10 Dog complaints abou...The top 10 Dog complaints about humans
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous