Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 August 2011
  • Currently 9.68/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (50)

A New Yorker was forced to tak...

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

In an average living room ther...

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Slide Fail Compilation

Slide Fail Compilation - When you slide, be cereful not to FAIL - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

Double bumper

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.

A few days later, he actually did it again. “I'm so embarrassed,” he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.

“Why not tell him it was me this time?” his wife suggested.

“I could,” he said while dialing, “but that's what I told him last time.”

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Google Ads

I swallowed a dictionary. You ...

I swallowed a dictionary. You can quote me on that, verb ate em.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - If You Give a Cat a Coffee

If You Give a Cat a Coffee | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (12)

The judge was instructing the ...

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (4)

Little Johnny was in class one...

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was talking about anatomy. She held up pictures of male and female genitals and said this is called a 'penis' and this is a 'vagina'.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said his father had 2 penises.

When the teacher questioned him, he said that his father has a little one that he pees with and a large one that he brushes his mommy's teeth with.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 1.83/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (6)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A*B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 6, 11, 16, 17, 22, 34, 69, 70, 75) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A*B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 1.83/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (6)

The goal of the game is to color all the 25 squares. Clicking will invert clors of all the sqauers within the shape of pattern.
The game is designed for all ages and stimulate children's creativity and reasoning.

A Collection Of Insults


I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Manners

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (20)

Mike Lawrence: Child of Divorce

I really hate the way I found out about my parents divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, Michael, Im leaving your father, Im going off to marry another man, and Im pregnant. And that was really messed up, cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (17)

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

The Patron Saint of Email

Q: Who is the Patron Saint of Email?
A: St. Francis of a CC
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ditzybimbo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 February 2011
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 December 2009
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (46)

A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 August 2010
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (17)

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 August 2010
  • Currently 6.35/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (17)

Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 August 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (12)

FIght Competition #jokes #humor

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 August 2010
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

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