Never criticize someone unless...Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes; and then when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
Christmas jokes-Luck of the Draw
The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.'
Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. 'Undeterred, be prays to God again. 'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.'
Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'
Funny video of the day - FAIL Compilation December 2011 - Week 2
SiblingsA Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Macchu Picchu...Macchu Picchu: Where face-recognition technology was developed.
Bad weatherThis old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.
So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Chess Knight Move
Demetri Martin: Christmas WrappingI set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.
He who laughs last thinks slow...He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Never criticize someone unless...Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
A blonde and a lawyer are seat...A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Grandpa and God
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, â€œGrandma, do you know how you and God are alike?â€
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, â€œNow, how are we alike?â€
â€œYouâ€™re both old,â€ he replied.
Fun at the zoo!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
A man walked into a bar, s...
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
Flat tyreThis couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.
"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.
He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"My other vehicle is the mahayana."
Marriage quotes 05Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
A Sunday school class studying...A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."