Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 August 2012

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 August 2012
  • Currently 9.50/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (58)

New Guy in Town

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

Free stickers..

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

Really funny jokes-Debbie had a gun

Debbie was cleaning her attic one day, when she discovered an old shotgun lying in a corner. Not sure what to do with it or how to get rid of it, she called her mother in Michigan to ask what to do.
Her mother had a suggestion. "Take it to the police station," she said and put the phone down.
Within seconds, her mother called back and said to Debbie, "Don't forget to call them first and inform them you're coming."

#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Drunk cats, back from the vet (cats are fine!)

Drunk cats, back from the vet (cats are fine!) - This poor little cats just got back from the cat vet apparently. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.78/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (9)

Toughest Students in School

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

- EVER WONDER
-
- Wh...

- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (32)

- EVER WONDER
-
- ...

- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (9)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (5, 8, 10, 13, 16, 18, 37, 40, 43, 45, 67) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Follow in my footsteps...

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (8)

Lawyers Brains

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (14)

Tom Papa: Friends Over 30

Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know theyre counting co-workers.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2011
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (27)

A businessman boarded a fli...

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 January 2010
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (58)

Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 August 2011
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (36)

Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 August 2011
  • Currently 4.12/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (34)

For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 August 2011
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (24)

Girlfriend to wife

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress

Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD

-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,

Tech Support.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 August 2010
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (24)

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