Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 July 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 03 July 2013
  • Currently 9.69/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (54)

Really funny jokes-Good habits

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

In school, Chuck Norris put "v...

In school, Chuck Norris put "violence" down for every answer on math tests and always got 100% because he solves all problems with violence.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Ultimate Weird Japanese Commercials Compilation

Ultimate Weird Japanese Commercials Compilation - Crazy, in weird, only in Japan - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

“My new girlfriend an...

“My new girlfriend and I are moving together into a tree house, I hope we won't fall out.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Dining out...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.

'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - The bird with a dream

The bird with a dream - It is important to have a goal | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A Collection Of Insults


I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (3)

Musicians

How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, two... one, two, three, four!

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke #short
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (6, 14, 18, 23, 24, 28, 33, 61, 65, 70, 79) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (34)

Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'
Then I hear the guy say nervously...

houlihans restroom sign

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 September 2012
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (10)

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hamm...

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 July 2012
  • Currently 3.41/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (37)

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 July 2010
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (31)

Nun Sees A Naked Man

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 July 2011
  • Currently 5.59/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (27)

How To Please a Woman

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story

hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are

without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it

works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you

find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to

decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends

laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short

and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends

continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here

are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,

knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are

tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in

when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering

what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This

floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a

woman."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 July 2012
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (27)

Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level

Osamas dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Cant I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 July 2011
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (24)

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