Jokes of the day for Sunday, 11 August 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 11 August 2013
  • Currently 9.63/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (83)

Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.73/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (33)

Really funny jokes-Birthday resolution

It's Joe's 65th birthday and he makes a resolution to get his body back into shape.
He gets his physician's approval to join a gym and takes up an aerobics class for the elderly.
He bends, twists, gyrates, hops and perspires for an hour. But, by the time Joe got his leotards on, he realized the class is over.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Bouncy Llama Herds Sheep

Bouncy Llama Herds Sheep - no dog needwd - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A speaker at Democratic Nation...

A speaker at Democratic National Convention asked the audience, "Are you better off now?"
The audience answered in chorus voice, "Yes."
As soon as the loud voice turned silent, a delegate stood up and asked, "How did the GOP get better off?"
The speaker declared, "We all are on the same boat, remember?"
The delegate exasperated, "Yeah, Noah's Ark - animals in couples!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

A Memory To Remember!

So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old Indian, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.

"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."

"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.

"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."

Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.

"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.

The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.

On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"

Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"

"Scrambled," replies the Chief.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Drinking cocktail on nice beach

Drinking cocktail on nice beach - Or the next best thing ... | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Lawyer quickies 5

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?

A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?

A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?

A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?

A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?

A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?

A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A: From chasing parked ambulances.

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.01/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (93)

Chess Knight Move

Find the title of novel, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is A. Length of words in solution: 4,8.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

“It's tough to know e...

“It's tough to know exactly what some philosophers looked like. Sometimes the only way might be to ex-Hume them.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Great News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.


Diver at Bonaire

The policeman said: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 July 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (12)

How many roundhouse kicks does...

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 June 2011
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (11)

Answering Machine Message 46


Theme music from James Bond: Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2009
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

On a tropical island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Polish men and one Polish woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Australian men and one Australian woman

Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living an sleeping happily together.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend

respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if woman is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 August 2009
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (30)


A cocky State Highways em...


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 August 2010
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (28)

Brendon Walsh: Bathroom Break

Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? You dont even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2011
  • Currently 3.26/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (23)

Walrus and Tupperwar

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2011
  • Currently 3.22/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (23)

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