Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 September 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 17 September 2013 |
Dying wish
Patrick and Sean , two Irishmen, grew up together and were lifelong friends. But Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy: "Sean, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."
Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneeled beside him.
"Seany, ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
Sean burst into tears: "Anything, Patrick. Anything ye wish."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones, and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
Sean was overcome with emotion, and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked: "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, Patrick, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Off target
Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.
Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"
“When a woman returns...
“When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.”
A penny and a second....
There was once this man in heaven, he asked God what a million dollars meant to him. God replied, "A penny."
Then, the man asked what a million years meant to God. God replied, "A second."
Finally the man asked, "Can I have one of your pennies?"
And god replied, "Just a second."
Chilling with the Eskimo
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
Corduroy pillows
Buy corduroy pillows, they're making headlines!A grasshopper walks into a bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Silly Collection 23
What has a bottom at the top?
I don't know?
Your legs!
What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!
Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!
What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!
What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness Pongster!
A head-on collision occurred b...
A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."How much wood would a woodchuc...
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.100 pound pig
Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
A passenger in a taxi leaned o...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Eugene Mirman: If a Bear Attacks
Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think youre supposed to play dead, which is not what youre supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- thats like a rumor that bears spread. I must tell
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?" Handling Teens
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.