Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 January 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 January 2014
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (98)

“Classical music is b...

“Classical music is better than Mozart forms.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (6)

Pun-Dead

Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (15)

Funny video of the day - Can You Walk on Water? (Non-Newtonian Fluid Pool)

Can You Walk on Water? (Non-Newtonian Fluid Pool) - Running, jumping and biking on 8,000 litres of non-newtonian fluid in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (9)

Way to keep healthy level of i...

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Great news...

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do!"

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - When you forget your umbrella ...

When you forget your umbrella ... - And can't think of better solution | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.25/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (8)

The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The

interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can

you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts

carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries

another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you

tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up

and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then

traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top

of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five

foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer

goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our

records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head

from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so

he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your

counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the

measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!',

replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (15)

Lonely Bones

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A: Because it had no body to go with.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (4)

Calculate the number 863

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 863 using numbers [8, 7, 1, 9, 11, 134] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut...

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 March 2012
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 January 2011
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (16)

Request Before Death


A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2009
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (11)

A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 January 2010
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (58)

The Pope vs. Moishe

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 January 2011
  • Currently 7.06/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (16)

GIFTS FOR MEN

Here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big- screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after- shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 January 2012
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

The National Game warden put o...

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 January 2012
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

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